“Tentacle Tuesdays” and “Probe Fridays” – Inside BlakeVille’s Booming Alien Hormone Trade
“Tentacle Tuesdays” and “Probe Fridays” – Inside BlakeVille’s Booming Alien Hormone Trade
What started as a cottage industry in BlakeVille’s trailer parks has exploded into a full-scale alien hormone extraction empire that would make even the most ambitious pharmaceutical company envious – if they could figure out how to get to BlakeVille in the first place.
The extraction process, as observed during a recent raid, involves sophisticated alien restraint systems that The Town Charmer described as “kinkier than anything in Debbie Does BlakeVille.” The captured extraterrestrials are placed in specialized milking stations where their unique hormonal secretions are harvested through what can only be described as “reverse probing technology.”
Local user testimonials paint a picture of addiction that transcends normal human experience. The Town’s Farming Couple, married for 40 years, report that alien hormones made them “forget which species they belonged to for three days straight.” They were found attempting to milk their own cow mascot, convinced it was actually an undercover alien spy.
The Hoochie Coochie Girl, known for her seductive performances, discovered that alien hormones enhanced her abilities to the point where she accidentally hypnotized half the town council during her Tuesday night show at the BlakeVille Cinema. “I just wiggled my hips and suddenly everyone was speaking in binary code,” she reported.
Most disturbing are the reports of temporal displacement effects. The Young Lovers were found aged backwards to teenagers after a weekend binge, while The Town Pest aged forty years in twelve hours and spent the entire time shouting at clouds in what linguists believe was ancient Martian.
The hormones’ highly addictive properties stem from their ability to unlock dormant areas of human consciousness that evolution wisely sealed away. Users report experiencing “cosmic orgasms,” “interdimensional sneezing fits,” and the ability to “taste mathematics.”
Dr. Schnitzelpfeiffer notes that withdrawal symptoms include temporary blindness, speaking only in haikus, and an irresistible urge to build crop circles in neighbors’ lawns. The Town Nudists haven’t worn clothes in three weeks, claiming fabric feels like “angry bees made of electricity.”
