Police Chief Admits “Minor Corruption Issues” During Alien Lab Raids – “Just a Little Taste for Quality Control”
BlakeVille Police Chief Barney Bumblethwaite found himself in hot water this week after admitting to “sampling” confiscated alien hormones during routine drug lab raids, claiming it was necessary for “proper evidence classification and quality control purposes.”
The scandal broke when Officer Jimmy “The Gimp” Patterson was found floating upside-down in the police station break room, speaking fluent Klingon and insisting that his handcuffs had achieved sentience. Internal investigation revealed that half the police force had been regularly consuming confiscated alien hormones during evidence processing.
“Look, we gotta know what we’re dealing with,” Chief Bumblethwaite explained while his eyes occasionally glowed a faint green. “How can we properly classify these substances without understanding their effects? It’s basic police work – like tasting suspicious white powder to see if it’s cocaine.“
The corruption investigation uncovered a complex web of police-lab operator relationships that would make even The Town Hypocrite blush. Several officers were discovered providing early warning systems to lab operators in exchange for premium hormone samples and what Detective Sally “Probe-Dodger” Martinez described as “the good stuff – the hormones from the aliens with the really big heads.”
Officer Patterson revealed the extent of departmental addiction during his interrogation, conducted while he was still experiencing temporal displacement effects. “The whole department’s hooked,” he admitted while phasing in and out of visibility. “Chief Bumblethwaite’s been drinking alien hormone smoothies for breakfast for three months. Yesterday he tried to arrest his own reflection for impersonating a police officer.“
The scandal reached peak absurdity when body camera footage revealed officers consuming hormones during active raids. In one incident, the entire SWAT team was found performing synchronized swimming motions in midair while attempting to breach a lab in The Happy Couple’s backyard greenhouse.
Mayor Gladstone Farthingbottom announced the formation of a special ethics committee chaired by The Town Demon, who ironically has never been caught using alien hormones. “We need someone with moral authority,” the mayor explained, “and technically, demons can’t get addicted to alien substances – different biochemistry.”
