Officer’s PTSD from Alien Abduction Leads to Excessive Force During Lab Raids – “They Did Things to Me, Man”
Officer Cornelius “Trigger Happy” McGillicuddy’s traumatic alien abduction experience has resulted in what department psychologists describe as “aggressive overcompensation syndrome” during alien hormone lab raids, leading to property damage that even The Town Narcissist called “excessive.”
McGillicuddy, abducted three years ago while investigating reports of suspicious lights near The Forgotten Lovers’ hills, returned after seventy-two hours with what he describes as “unspeakable memories” and a peculiar walk that The Town Hobo noted resembles “someone who’s been riding a very uncomfortable bicycle.”
“They probed places that don’t have names,” McGillicuddy revealed during his psychological evaluation, conducted by Dr. Schnitzelpfeiffer while he clutched a stress ball shaped like Earth. “Every time I see one of those grey bastards in a lab, I just… something inside me snaps like The Town Priest’s moral compass.“
The officer’s PTSD manifests during alien hormone lab raids in spectacular fashion. During last Tuesday’s raid on Henderson’s Cosmic Juices Unlimited, McGillicuddy discharged his entire ammunition supply into a poster of E.T., then proceeded to taser a mannequin dressed as an alien for approximately fifteen minutes while screaming “How do you like being probed now, you grey-skinned freaks!“
Fellow Officer Martinez reported that McGillicuddy’s behavior has become increasingly erratic. “He’s installed a probe-detection system in his patrol car that goes off every time he passes The Town Musician’s guitar – apparently those missing strings remind him of alien technology.”
The situation escalated during last week’s raid when McGillicuddy discovered actual aliens in Henderson’s laboratory. “He went full Rambo,” Henderson reported while filing insurance claims. “Started ranting about ‘payback time’ and ‘reversing the probe polarity.’ I had to hide my aliens in the root cellar until backup arrived.”
Dr. Schnitzelpfeiffer’s diagnosis reveals complex trauma combining traditional PTSD with what she terms “probe-specific anxiety disorder.” Treatment includes exposure therapy using increasingly sophisticated medical equipment and counseling sessions with The Town Demon, who reportedly has experience with “invasive otherworldly encounters.”
Chief Bumblethwaite, still occasionally glowing green from his own alien hormone consumption, announced McGillicuddy’s temporary reassignment to parking meter duty. “We can’t have him treating every alien like a personal vendetta,” the Chief explained while his badge spontaneously levitated. “Save the excessive force for the real criminals – like people who don’t return library books on time.“
