Local Alien Hormone Lab Produces “Mind-Melting” Results – Users Report Speaking in Tongues and Levitation
The alien hormone drug epidemic sweeping BlakeVille has reached new heights of absurdity, with users of the extracted extraterrestrial substances reporting increasingly bizarre side effects that would make even The Town Demon jealous.
Local authorities discovered that the hormone extraction process involves capturing aliens during routine cow abductions and harvesting their unique endocrine secretions through a process The Town Narcissist described as “more invasive than a Catholic priest at confession.”
Users of the alien hormones, dubbed “Space Juice” by locals, report effects that defy basic physics – much like BlakeVille itself. The Resident Homeless Guy, fresh off his 16th alien abduction, claims the hormones made him temporarily bilingual in seventeen alien languages and able to “taste colors with his eyeballs.”
The Happy Couple, winners of BlakeVille’s happiness award for the 15th consecutive year, tried the substance last Tuesday and reportedly spent forty-eight hours communicating exclusively through interpretive dance before floating three feet off the ground for an encore performance.
“The addiction potential is through the roof,” warns Dr. Martha Schnitzelpfeiffer, BlakeVille’s only licensed physician. “I’ve seen people develop third arms, temporarily grow gills, and one patient started photosynthesizing after prolonged use. The Town Musician hasn’t needed to eat solid food in weeks – he just stands in direct sunlight and hums.”
The extraction labs, primarily located in modified trailer homes throughout the ethereal hills, employ a complex process involving alien restraint chairs, hormone milking apparatus, and what The Local describes as “more tubes than a 1950s sci-fi B-movie.”
Most concerning is the reciprocal addiction discovered among the captured aliens. Apparently, human hormones produce similar euphoric effects in extraterrestrials, explaining decades of mysterious abductions. The Town Hobo noted, “No wonder they keep coming back for more of us – we’re basically walking drug dealers to them.”
